Why Are Adult Friendships So Hard? Understanding and Building Meaningful Connections

Friendships in childhood often seem effortless. You sit next to someone in class, play on the same team, or simply live in the same neighborhood, and suddenly, you’re best friends. But as we get older, relationships shift. Work, family, and personal responsibilities take priority, and the effortless connections of childhood don’t come as easily. So why are adult friendships so difficult to form and maintain? And how can we build and sustain meaningful relationships as we grow?

In childhood, friendships are largely based on proximity, shared activities, and structured social environments. School, sports teams, and neighborhood play create natural opportunities for connection. Relationships tend to be more fluid, evolving as we grow but often carrying the assumption that they will last a lifetime.

6 Tips for Building Meaningful Adult Friendships

Building and maintaining adult friendships can be tough, and it's a common challenge I see in my practice. Many of us struggle with how to navigate relationships as life becomes busier and priorities shift. I recently read The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, and it offered some great insights on meaningful adult friendships. It provided me with six key takeaways that I believe can help anyone working to build stronger connections as an adult. Here’s what I learned and how it can apply to your friendships.

How to Develop Adult Friendships

1. Understand That Timing, Proximity, and Energy Matter

Unlike childhood, where friendships often form by chance, adult friendships are influenced by life circumstances. Work schedules, family responsibilities, and personal growth all impact our ability to maintain connections. It’s important to recognize that friendships evolve, and not every relationship will be lifelong—and that’s okay.

2. Friendships Are an Individual Sport, Not a Group Effort

As kids, we are constantly surrounded by peers—classmates, teammates, and neighborhood friends. In adulthood, social circles are often smaller, and friendships are built one-on-one rather than in large groups. This means we need to be intentional about reaching out and nurturing relationships rather than expecting friendships to form naturally.

3. Be Flexible and Open to New Connections

People will come and go, and that’s normal. Some friendships will be deep and lasting, while others may serve a purpose for a certain season of life. Being open to different types of connections and understanding that not every friendship needs to last forever can help us navigate relationships with more ease.

4. Manage Expectations and Let People Be Who They Are

A common struggle in adult friendships is the expectation that relationships should last forever or that others should engage the way we want them to. Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory reminds us to release control over how others behave. Instead of forcing friendships to fit a certain mold, we can focus on nurturing the connections that naturally align with our lives. Some friendships will be deep and consistent, while others will be more casual—and both are valuable in different ways.

5. Take Initiative

If you want stronger friendships, take the first step. Reach out, make plans, and follow up. Adult friendships require effort, and waiting for others to take the lead can result in missed opportunities. If a friendship matters to you, nurture it.

6. Recognize That Friendships Change, and That’s Okay

Friendships evolve. Some fade naturally, while others grow stronger. Instead of seeing the end of a friendship as a failure, view it as a natural transition. People grow in different directions, and sometimes, that means relationships shift. Accepting this reality can make it easier to embrace new connections and appreciate the friendships that remain.

Want to Learn More?

If you’re interested in exploring adult friendships further, here are some resources:

• Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory – A helpful perspective on releasing control in relationships.

• Dr. Marisa G. Franco’s Platonic – A fantastic book about how to build meaningful friendships as an adult.

• Brené Brown’s Research on Connection & Vulnerability – Her work on belonging and relationships highlights the importance of authenticity in friendships.

• The Science of Adult Friendships – Research from social psychologists, like Robin Dunbar, explores how friendship networks shift over time.

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